Am on Spring Break... but it doesn't feel like much of a break. I would like to go somewhere, but the practical, economical side of me is screaming NOOOO!!! Stay put...do your homework...relax...do your homework...

When did I become so responsible?

On Politics and 9-11...

What an interesting couple of days it has been. Not that it has been good news coming out of Madrid. I feel for them and will be praying for them tonight. Sounds like the loony-man has his tentacles stretching in new directions. I just wish he'd be found and then by some twist of fate, the old Wild Wild West punishment was reinstated just for him. Have him drawn and quartered... it wouldn't be pretty, but it would be appropriate.

Last night tried to explain my "un-American" view of 9-11 to my parents. Since I've been home I have not discussed this issue very freely or openly as I know it is a very tender subject for most Americans. But I witnessed it from Japan.

I watched it on tv during the 10 o'clock news on NHK. I worried for all the people in the towers. I worried for my dear friend E. who was living in Brooklyn at the time and who I knew had been temping at different jobs around the city. So she could have easily been in either tower or near-by.
I got on the phone with the other Americans I knew. We watched in horror, gasping into our keitais..."what's going on?" at first was the question.
"Was it some sort of accident?"
Someone replied, "A plane. Looks like an accident..." And then the second one.... "OHMYGOD!!! Did you just see that? This is real?!? What is happening in our country? Our country is under attack! Call me back if you hear anything." And so we each hung up, only to dial others-- I needed reinforcements from my international community of friends.
I called in the Scot across the way. I called in the Americans I knew of in the neighborhood. I called in an Aussie. I think there may have even been a Brit in my apartment during those next confusing hours. I had a Japanese girl there- I think she was the Aussie's GF. It became a blur. A surreal blur. I needed alcohol. Went to the store and got some. Ran into some other expats who were out for a midnight run; told them to get home and turn on their televisions the U.S. was being attacked by whom- unknown. For what reason- who knew. But it was all being broadcast live around the world. The pentagon had been hit.
At 1 in the morning NHK quit broadcasting in English...the skies over the U.S. had been shut down, for the first time in aviation history. This was huge. We tried to find VoA--Voice of America on the radio, but we were too far inland. So we listened to crackling English broadcasts-perhaps from Tokyo, didn't know and didn't care. Just knew I needed to stay connected and get information somehow.
And then like a godsend, Soph&Si texted me and said to take a cab to their apartment. They had BBC on the computer and were watching the tv with the sound off. Told me I shouldn't stay home alone. Told me they wanted to be there for me, an American they were friends with. Told me Jim Beam was waiting for me. So I took the $30 cab ride to their place. And we listened all night long. I dozed off around 5 am... after finally getting through to E. She was sitting on her rooftop in Brooklyn watching the smoke rise from where the towers once stood.

In the days that followed I clung to every bit of news I could get. I used the computer at work to access CNN on-line...a BIG no-no with the company. I didn't care. That first weekend after 9/11 was a difficult weekend to go out. But I felt the need to be with the expat community. I needed to see people. I needed to feel the goodness of humanity. And so out I went, in a very depressed state of mind. But during the course of that evening I was brutally slapped out of my depression as I eavesdropped on the sentiments of the world at large. They felt we had it coming. "America, always getting involved in other people's affairs." and "She never minds her own business." I tried to protest. I tried to explain. But slowly I realized, that is how the world see us. This was a huge opportunity for me to open my eyes. Here I was living in one of the safest countries in the world, and I was trying to defend my country. Don't get me wrong, I love America. I am proud to be an American. I just wish we could take better care of our own. I tried to explain that to my fellow expatriates. I tried to explain that America is constantly at odds with the world. We are asked to act as the world police- so we do. And we piss people off. Then when we back out of that role, we piss off other people. We are literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I began to understand how we are simultaneously revered and reviled throughout the world. People want to be us or beat us. It doesn't look like there is any easy resolution. And so, we sit and wait for the next shoe to drop. The elections are here again and I am trying to play catch-up with the political state of affairs. On the one hand, I don't want to keep Bush in office. But on the other I don't want to vote for Kerry either. I am tired of this two party system. Why is it, that this is suppose to be a democracy, yet I don't see it in action?

So I tried to discuss some of this with the 'rents and am now realizing the huge generation gap between us. So I keep my opinions to myself. I try to be a good daughter. But I am really still trying to deal with my post-9/11 emotions. I had to deal with it as an expat for the last three years. Now I am just trying to get in touch with my feelings about the events surrounding that time as an American is that too much to ask? I wish I could understand how it felt here that day. I wish I knew what the collective psyche felt around this great country of ours. And so I read. I picked up a couple of books at the library the other day to try and learn.

I just want my opinions to be heard and respected as both an American and a member of the international community at large. But right now, I don't feel I belong in either role. How weird is that?!

Perhaps...

I will be moving after all. The BF recently wrote and let me know that he is REALLY enjoying the ice and was wondering if I'd be interested in doing next winter-over? After contemplating all day, weighing the pros and cons, trying to see and predict (HA!) all the potential pitfalls I wrote back.

Told him to get me the info. I think, at least based on how he wrote, that he'd be able to get us both jobs cuz he is already there. Not sure how it all works, but am willing to try. Don't want to endure another lengthy separation. And its really good money to be earned in a rather short amount of time. The BA in English is not going to make me rich and a MA in TESL isn't a cash-cow either.

See I've been checking out land in Alaska. Can get 20 acres for around 24K. Don't think that includes a house, but that can be built. I've got my own mountain man/carpenter/handyman/do-it-yerselfer and he can teach me what I need to do to help. So the money we make could go towards that dream. Or it could go towards the other dreams. Or just paying off more of the debt.

But I worry. I've got bad PMS today. And I've also thought about all the bad what-ifs that go with moving there. So we'll see. A change sounds appealing. I am not crazy about being a FT student again. Although, I am starting to dig on the research...data collection and analysis.

So now I will have to wait until I hear from him. I did check out the website of the company he is working for. Couldn't find any job openings for the Pole. Some available for the other locations on the ice, but not where my baby is. So just gotta wait it out.

A springfilled Winter

Winter has decided to unleash her fury once more. Today as I was leaving my house to drive the hour plus commute (how I miss the usefulness of time spent on uncrowded trains) to school so I could teach, winter decided to visit MN again. We got the winter equivalent of a downpour....roughly 3 inches of thick, heavy, wet March snow. So odd that snow can have multiple textures, even split personalities... depending on when it falls. It can be light and fluffy with no substance. It can be heavy and wet. It can be soft and dry. It can be....

So I called the whole thing off. Phoned the secretary of the IEC and asked her to run upstairs and tell my students that I wouldn't be coming in for their lesson at 2 today due to the weather. Rescheduled the class for tomorrow at 3.30... Puts a damper on MY studying for a midterm, but hey--the students come first! So I came home to find an email from my friend Em. in Japan. Apparently I sound down (bummed? depressed? unhappy? miserable? some unknown adjective to describe my state of being??) on this here site. So I will try to infuse it with some levity.

But not today. Although it was so refreshing to hear that I would have been a better trainer for the company I worked for in Japan than the one who beat me out.. that made me smile--thanks Em!!

Today I must go write a chapter review. The grind of academia...at least it is mostly my opinion.

Silly, silly blog...

I cut and pasted it into a new post and it appeared... Go figure. I am going to sit back and drink my beer and pretend that I am doing my homework. Am reading a true crime novel about some sicko in Kansas City who got busted for killing women he met online. He was known as the "slavemaster". Apparently his ways were discovered in late 2000 and 2001. Interesting read. Surprising what sorts of true crime I missed. It amazes me what the human mind is capable of thinking up. What is less surprising is that truth is almost never stranger than fiction...

Carmen Electra is on Jay right now. I enjoy watching her and Dave Navarro's show on MTV.

TV is the focus of my world...

Smoking

Ahhh, how I miss the joys, trials and pains of living, working and relating in a foreign locale. Just finished reading E's latest blog from life in Korea and it made me nostalgic. But that is not the focus of my ranting tonight.

On another note, I am having a horrible time fighting the cravings for the forbidden fruit--nicotine. Actually, its not really the nicotine so much as the mindless, comforting habit. Tapping out a cigarette from its home. Bringing it to my lips and inhaling the unlit tobacco. Ahhh...the sweet smell. Flicking my bic and watching the smoke curl at the end...upward, away from me...dissipating into thin air. Sucking that first full drag into my lungs and holding it. Exhaling. Repeating the steps over and over again in the three minutes or so it would take to suck down a regular sized "king" cigarette.

See, the funny thing is, I never took the time to savor the cigarette while I was a smoker. It quickly became a mindless, nervous, necessary habit. It started out the way it does for so many... As a young and idiotic teen, trying to be cool. At first it was one or two a day. Then it was three or five. Then up to half a pack. Throughout my undergrad and Japan years I smoked between a half a pack or a pack and a half a day.

Then I came home. I met the love of my life. A former heavy smoker who is now able to smoke casually. His family would be appalled if they found out I smoked.. You know as the future mother of their grandchildren and all. They seriously frown on smoking. So I promised him I'd quit while he's at the South Pole.. And it was all good. Then MY parents get back from Florida. I quit while they were there for 6 weeks. And it was fine. No problems. NOW I am struggling on a nightly basis. And it seems to be only at this time of night.

But the last time I had a drag, it was nasty. But I miss it. I have heard the cravings never fully go away. I just hope it gets easier, that's all.

GRR

Am having troubles with this posting tonight. Had written a great little thing and its not showing up. Yet the other changes I've made are working. Am wondering if I will remain incompetent for the rest of my life when it comes to advanced technology. I know some of you are thinking this isn't advanced... But three years of being able to access only when able to get to a computer did not help my computer skills at all. Also, having to troubleshoot in Japanese when my coworkers knew nothing about computers creating problems unique to that company..

Am trying again...