On Politics and 9-11...

What an interesting couple of days it has been. Not that it has been good news coming out of Madrid. I feel for them and will be praying for them tonight. Sounds like the loony-man has his tentacles stretching in new directions. I just wish he'd be found and then by some twist of fate, the old Wild Wild West punishment was reinstated just for him. Have him drawn and quartered... it wouldn't be pretty, but it would be appropriate.

Last night tried to explain my "un-American" view of 9-11 to my parents. Since I've been home I have not discussed this issue very freely or openly as I know it is a very tender subject for most Americans. But I witnessed it from Japan.

I watched it on tv during the 10 o'clock news on NHK. I worried for all the people in the towers. I worried for my dear friend E. who was living in Brooklyn at the time and who I knew had been temping at different jobs around the city. So she could have easily been in either tower or near-by.
I got on the phone with the other Americans I knew. We watched in horror, gasping into our keitais..."what's going on?" at first was the question.
"Was it some sort of accident?"
Someone replied, "A plane. Looks like an accident..." And then the second one.... "OHMYGOD!!! Did you just see that? This is real?!? What is happening in our country? Our country is under attack! Call me back if you hear anything." And so we each hung up, only to dial others-- I needed reinforcements from my international community of friends.
I called in the Scot across the way. I called in the Americans I knew of in the neighborhood. I called in an Aussie. I think there may have even been a Brit in my apartment during those next confusing hours. I had a Japanese girl there- I think she was the Aussie's GF. It became a blur. A surreal blur. I needed alcohol. Went to the store and got some. Ran into some other expats who were out for a midnight run; told them to get home and turn on their televisions the U.S. was being attacked by whom- unknown. For what reason- who knew. But it was all being broadcast live around the world. The pentagon had been hit.
At 1 in the morning NHK quit broadcasting in English...the skies over the U.S. had been shut down, for the first time in aviation history. This was huge. We tried to find VoA--Voice of America on the radio, but we were too far inland. So we listened to crackling English broadcasts-perhaps from Tokyo, didn't know and didn't care. Just knew I needed to stay connected and get information somehow.
And then like a godsend, Soph&Si texted me and said to take a cab to their apartment. They had BBC on the computer and were watching the tv with the sound off. Told me I shouldn't stay home alone. Told me they wanted to be there for me, an American they were friends with. Told me Jim Beam was waiting for me. So I took the $30 cab ride to their place. And we listened all night long. I dozed off around 5 am... after finally getting through to E. She was sitting on her rooftop in Brooklyn watching the smoke rise from where the towers once stood.

In the days that followed I clung to every bit of news I could get. I used the computer at work to access CNN on-line...a BIG no-no with the company. I didn't care. That first weekend after 9/11 was a difficult weekend to go out. But I felt the need to be with the expat community. I needed to see people. I needed to feel the goodness of humanity. And so out I went, in a very depressed state of mind. But during the course of that evening I was brutally slapped out of my depression as I eavesdropped on the sentiments of the world at large. They felt we had it coming. "America, always getting involved in other people's affairs." and "She never minds her own business." I tried to protest. I tried to explain. But slowly I realized, that is how the world see us. This was a huge opportunity for me to open my eyes. Here I was living in one of the safest countries in the world, and I was trying to defend my country. Don't get me wrong, I love America. I am proud to be an American. I just wish we could take better care of our own. I tried to explain that to my fellow expatriates. I tried to explain that America is constantly at odds with the world. We are asked to act as the world police- so we do. And we piss people off. Then when we back out of that role, we piss off other people. We are literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I began to understand how we are simultaneously revered and reviled throughout the world. People want to be us or beat us. It doesn't look like there is any easy resolution. And so, we sit and wait for the next shoe to drop. The elections are here again and I am trying to play catch-up with the political state of affairs. On the one hand, I don't want to keep Bush in office. But on the other I don't want to vote for Kerry either. I am tired of this two party system. Why is it, that this is suppose to be a democracy, yet I don't see it in action?

So I tried to discuss some of this with the 'rents and am now realizing the huge generation gap between us. So I keep my opinions to myself. I try to be a good daughter. But I am really still trying to deal with my post-9/11 emotions. I had to deal with it as an expat for the last three years. Now I am just trying to get in touch with my feelings about the events surrounding that time as an American is that too much to ask? I wish I could understand how it felt here that day. I wish I knew what the collective psyche felt around this great country of ours. And so I read. I picked up a couple of books at the library the other day to try and learn.

I just want my opinions to be heard and respected as both an American and a member of the international community at large. But right now, I don't feel I belong in either role. How weird is that?!